Sticking with Intuition

I ushered a beautiful man out of my life this week. Difficult, sad, necessary, eye opening, and possibly regretful, are the words that come to mind at this moment. I use the word usher, because I find no other way to describe it.

For almost three months I have been captivated by a man who is unlike many I’ve met in the past. He’s tall, dark and handsome to a “T”; intelligent, dedicated to his country, loving, and reasonable far above his age;  So, of course you can see why the force was so strong.  :-) In this time with him I truly learned more about myself- my fears and my strong suites. It is in the way he saw me just as I was; even as a better version of me; but also recognized the weaknesses and the areas that made me vulnerable. It was both the good and the bad that caused several long discussions and lessons in learning to communicate. He, choosing to truly open up his heart to me, and I, choosing to try to silence the insecurities in order to accept all that the relationship offered.

The purpose behind my writing is to help me process my sadness in the ushering of this man out of my life. 

Last week, the cutie returned from an extended visit home. While away, we made the conscious effort to talk every night, and with that our emotions grew deeper and deeper for one another. I received an “I miss you babe” bouquet, we exchanged sweet texts, and pictures flowed during his time away. After picking him up from the airport, I was showered with kisses and meaningful gifts! Seeing each other was great, and as the perfect night was ending a conversation was brought up about taking the next step of boyfriend/girlfriend. My reaction was not what I was expecting. I wanted a commitment, I have longed for a guy to offer himself and his love to me and me only! Why was I feeling nervous?

This past weekend, we had a laid back time with many random conversations. Monday morning I woke up sick. Anxiety hit me. This also happened not long after beginning to talk. I knew in my heart what was going on. I was falling in love with a man, whom I wasn’t sure had his life on a similar foundation as I did. There had been many discussions of preferences, and pasts, and even talks of future and about faith. See, we weren’t sure where we fell with each other on the faith thing, but because of the other overwhelming feelings and care we had for each other, we had always just kind of accepted that we were open to whatever.

Well, Monday, I knew that I was falling in love with a man that I wasn’t sure I could ever be with. Conversations we had about a family, careers, kids, and trying times had all hit me and made me realize that our power source was not the same.  Although we were cute, had great times, grew, were open to our differences, had sincere moments of intimacy, and communicated artfully- there was a gut feeling that something was off. I knew I had to make a very tough decision.  I was giving my heart to a man who was giving me his in return, only to realize that we were never meant to hold each other’s in the first place. That night I shared my reservations and concerns, and so we agreed to see each other the next day after time to think.

As I sat at home devastated, I missed a call from my mom. I returned the call shortly after, and we got through a couple minutes of small talk until all of the sudden she asks me if anything was going on. On her way home from work, she said I was on her mind and she felt burdened for me; she said she began to cry and pray for me. Of course, I lost it. I was a wreck. I told her about the decision I knew I had to make, and how badly I didn’t really want to. During the conversation, the presence of the Lord fell, and as she said a prayer over me, I knew that things were going to be ok. I was going to be blessed for making a tough decision. I was so thankful for the opportunity to just cry to someone and be encouraged in the Lord. Well, as soon as that conversation ended, I received another call from a friend who wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to regret my decision. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions!!!! 

So here comes Tuesday. My wonderful boss ended up making a “Feel Better Bag” for me on lunch break when she realized what I was feeling. This thoughtful gift was full of uplifting, empowering, and funny quotes to remind me that it will all be ok. Tuesday night after work I met up with the beautiful man and we talked and we cried. Hearing his heart melted mine. It was like seeing each other and feeling the pain, made us want to make the pain end and so we talked about working on trying to see where faith and fears could go. The next morning, I woke up with the same anxious gut feeling. I messaged him, and he replied that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the things that had happened and the things that I originally brought up, and so we talked. He had also woke up that morning with the similar feeling I had. He said that the reservations I had would probably always be there; that Tuesday, we were just hurting, and that I was pushing to make it work because we just wanted the pain to stop. I knew he was right. The good was all I could think about, and again had tried to overlook my spiritual cautions that had been occurring the entire time. The rest of this week has been very difficult. I fell hard and fast, and so the thoughts of not texting and talking, and not going on planned weekend trips, and not kissing and cuddling, or just not having someone who made me feel special, has made me so sad.

In this sadness, I am having to choose to think on other things. What am I trying to say? How in the world did I think this was all a good idea? What am I thinking, letting a good man go? This is all a reminder to stay true to what I know I need and want in a future life partner. The reasons for ending a relationship that held potential, and because of the convictions of my heart, has made the process all the more serious. A spouse is one of the most important and integral choices in life. This person is who you make decisions with, get through the worst part of life together with, raise children with, and create a legacy with. As a Christian, I know the expectations that I must hold for my future spiritual leader and love. I want divine intervention my future relationship. I want to feel whole and open and loved without reserve. I have to believe that exists. I have to believe that God would not have me ending this unless He has a plan, and that He is trying to save me from even greater heartache when realizations would finally hit me. 

A relationship cannot be built on two different foundations and be expected to stand. I should have paid more attention to my gut, surface of anxiety, and God through this...He was just trying to save both of our hearts from the added pain that would come with more time and investment. Christ has our interest and desires in mind, and loves us both so very much. Walking away from a seemingly good thing with a care and respect for each other that we have, is a first for me, and possibly the reason I am having the sadness. But I am thankful for the fun had, the personal insight gained, and the ability to know love is possible. Thankfully, I have great friends, co-workers, and family that make each sad moment, seem a little less sad, and support my decision to stay true to myself. I now hope to grow closer to Christ, in order to lose myself in His will, and in that place, hopefully the love of my life will join in. ;-) 

Ushering a beautiful man out of my life this week has been one of the hardest things I have had to make myself do, but I know that in that ushering, two hearts are being protected from unnecessary pain. I will probably still cry a few more times, and have moments of questioning and missing him, but I want myself and this man to truly be happy for the rest of our lives, together or not. 

SO…..stick with that gut feeling. Don't doubt yourself. Listen to your spirit and intuition. It really will save a lot of heartache and sadness. We have to do what is right for ourselves, whether or not it makes sense to anyone else. 

Thanks for sticking with me on this long one. I appreciate the therapy session! Writing truly help me release things, and if you made it this long, you're an absolute trooper who I have to believe cares for me!!! haha

- Until next time, Sarah 

Soft Reminders

 My last post was one that ended with a cry for prayers for a dear friend of mine. I have to report that things are looking up. We have talked through our feelings, and I have heard her heart for love and true happiness. I only want to love her and support her!! I’m trusting that she has taken the time for God’s blessing on her major decisions. That’s the peace that I have to have because I can’t lose her friendship! We’ve been through way too much!! I am so thankful for her!!

It is in moments that lack peace, and simple realizations, where I seem to be softly reminded of the true desires of my heart; of the people, actions, purpose, and fulfillment I know I long for. The side of me that loves to live for the moment, carries little stress, and tries not to worry too much about the what and where, I find that I might have slowly pulled myself away from the other side that fully allows me to feel like myself!

There are passions, joys, people, experiences, dreams, hopes, beautiful sandy sunsets, tears, sadness, friendships, fears, and pure love that make up the character and life of a person. I’ve not fully “felt” or “acknowledged” all of the aspects for a while.

The soft reminders are still coming, but the rejuvenation of the loves and hopes I have had make me take a more earnest look at things. I want to appreciate moments for the all that they are. There are so many who are dealing with sickness, loss, and despair, I want to be thankful for health, the ones that I still have with me, and hopefully be a light for those dealing.  I want to be someone who can be looked up to; a role model to those who are younger than me, or around me. I love having meaningful friendships, and do believe that friends are the family we find along the way! Making more of an effort to talk, text, face time, etc. with my friends makes my heart happy in the long run. I want to be in a school counseling position, or even a management position where I can use my people and leadership skills to the fullest and for the most benefit. I want to get back into serving through a local church. I remember the way I feel when I am at my absolute closest to my Savior; it’s when I am singing and leading others into worship. I know that is something I am supposed to be doing. I want to go on another mission trip in the near future, and sing silly songs, and share an undying love with others.

I know that I desire a partner in life, but more than that, a crazy, God-kind-of thing, kind of love. I’m silly enough to believe that love wins and that falling in love should be natural and easy. I hate the dating scene: unspoken rules, making sure not to act overly interested, mistaken interest, text times, falling too hard, the difficult planning!! Or even justifying why it’s ok to date, even though you know they are not the one..... Ughh! But, outside of that, I want “my person” and I to build a life, a family legacy; I want to adopt, as it has always been on my heart, and then I want to live every day enjoying the surrounding love. 

Oh, to be softly reminded of the things that truly makes my heart happy. The things that make me who I am and enjoy the every day. Don't forget about those passions still inside!!

And these are the random ramblings for the time being

~ Sarah 

Monday

Have you ever had one of those Mondays? The kind of Monday that is infamous for everything going wrong? The day tends to carry ridiculous emotions and an assumption that with each hour, it is surely as bad as today can get! Well, last Monday was one of those for me. It took me almost an entire week to get over the craziness. As I embark on a new Monday and a new week, I can finally release the oddly terrible Monday that I had last week.

Last Monday I woke up with the amazing reminder that I am woman! So, as Mother Nature can do, she decided to kick my butt! I hurried out of the house that morning, as there was an inaugural event to be held at work. As many workweeks begin, there are things from the weekend to catch up on. But little did I know that the one planned event, was far from “together”, and that attacks would be made on a co-worker bright and early.  Let’s just say that I felt so irritated and all things that could come up did; frustrations arose; and everyone needed a play-by-play!! It was not the week to disturb my chemical balancer! Lol! I absolutely only stayed until 5:00pm that day, as I was ready to unwind with a glass of wine and some of my favorite shows!

Little did I know, that not long after I arrived home, I would find out through a third party, that one of my best friends is possibly making one of the worst decisions of her life by committing to subject herself to a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. A man that, as she promised me, she would make prove that he was truly a different person than the first 4 months of their relationship. A couple months are not a testament to someone’s character and personality. It is a facade and manipulation of emotional power. I absolutely broke down. I cried with devastation of the complete lack of seeing reality- realizing that the only hope is for things to get worse or for God to step in. It’s not a matter of liking a guy or not, but seeing the way that a friend is treated by that guy, determines one’s opinion. I cried because I know that if it was right, I would heard from her- We’re best friends!!!! Love is supposed to be amazing! An effortless feeling that doesn’t change who you are, but allows you to thrive even more into the person you are designed to be!!! If you’re reading this please, please pray for a positive movement.

I couldn’t shake it. I haven’t felt that low in a long time. The crazy workday, the cramps, and then the hurt feelings and heavy heart- I was then assured that I do, in fact, still have the ability to cry. And that’s what I did. All at once, my past scars ached, my future desires seemed impossible, friendships that meant so much hung in a balance, and I missed home; I missed the feeling of security; I missed being a married entrepreneur who was the strong one for all of my friends and family. It was at that moment that I felt the same defeat and helplessness that I had felt a few years prior, and I had nothing to do but let it out- Crumble before my Savior and trust that, as in the past, I would be picked up from the mess. With swollen eyes and burst blood vessels in my face, I couldn’t stay awake one more minute. I went to sleep and decided to once again, rely on my faith. The faith that my Jesus loves me, and my friend more than I can conceive, and just put my hope in that.

After a Monday like that, I decided that the remainder of the week was going to only be better- and thankfully, every day was a little less emotional, I felt a little less defeated and I continued to keep a “peace”. I also probably need to publicly apologize for anyone who might have fallen victim to my presence on that Monday :-) 

I am so thankful for the love that I have had the opportunity to experience in my past, the friends who are forever true, my siblings and my parents who have a sixth sense when it comes to each other, and for the covering that I know is there. I am thankful for the future love that I know I will eventually have the privilege of experiencing, the close friendships, and the joy that comes in the morning (Psalm 30). Are you singing that song in your head now?! It’s soo catchy and soo great!! Even in this emotional state, I will not be defeated. I will hold on to hope for an awakening for my friend, and trust that the desires of my heart are not forgotten J

Cheers to Monday! So glad that there is only one in each week! Haha!

   

Set Before Me…..

 There are so many things I could share, and maybe I will be more open to do so sooner rather than later, but I will just give a bit of what’s on my mind.

The big news is that I am officially getting my own place as of February!!! I am so excited that I can hardly stand it!! It will be an adorable small spot close to the security of the local police station, in ears shot of the ocean, and in view of the lighthouse from my front yard. I am surprised by how fast it all came together, but it was all in perfect timing and small blessings have been following the decision ever since. I talked to my mom earlier this week and told her the news and that I was coming to get my stuff, and she pointed out how “real” it is now. That this isn’t just a girl with a carload or two of things who is checking out a new area- but that I am picking up all the earthly possessions I still have in TN and bringing them to GA. This seems so crazy, but yet so perfect!

I was also brought to another realization during all of these changes............this will be the first time in my life that I have lived by myself. Seems crazy to me!! I’m an independent girl who doesn’t even mind being alone at times, but yet this will be a first. As a kid, I lived with my parents, and then went to college with three other roommates. After my first year of college I got married and then after six years and a divorce, I moved back in with my parents for a few months until my sister and I decided to move in together. When I moved to Tybee I had four roommates initially, and now have one. I’m not sure I will know what to do!! Haha!! Even though I may have never "lived alone" I haven’t been without lonely nights, managing a home, managing a business, and many other independent feats.....so this is just another thing to check off the list!!

I do need to admit that I have not been as faithful to my Savior as He has been to me lately. And it seems that even in spite of that, I feel something is happening; that there are plans being set before me that I have prayed for and I am unaware of, but yet, He is seeing to it that my world is all that it should be- if I will just follow. As far as men go, I haven’t dated since the end of November, and probably only did before that because I felt a sense of urgency or impatience in finding my “Boaz”, as my dad likes to say. I am now just at peace knowing that my God loves me like crazy and sees the desires of my heart, and in the perfect time, things will perfectly happen- just like how the last year has gone for me.

I am so thankful for this period in my life. I’m so thankful for new friends, old friends, and ones that I am just getting to know. I work with amazing people and have an adopted community that shows me love. My family is always supportive and forever loving. I am also so grateful to have my faith as the strength in my weakness.

Hope this finds every single one of you well and I'm sorry this one is soo lengthy!

Until next time, Sarah 

Woman in Progress

 With the hardships and joys of life, we live, learn, and continue on. I originally wrote this post in March of this year. It was on my mind then and I believe came out just the way it was supposed to. As I have dealt with judgment, or failing, or the stresses of life, I ran across this writing and realized how perfect it was for me; it is an encouragement- for such a time-again!!! It's a reminder of the journey that I am on and the forgiveness that I have been given for times when I was…..well…human. 

I have had the story of the woman at the well in my  I originally was taking it in a different direction, and still may do so in the future, but for now this is the way I feel that my Lover- my Savior is reaching me. I would like to share it in parts, as there is so much to be taken from this story found in John 4:1-30.

As seen in John, chapter 4, the story begins as Jesus asks a Samaritan woman to fetch Him some water from the well that they are both at. 

He is alone because the disciples are out getting food. She is

shocked that a Jewish male would ask anything of a Samaritan woman because in these times it was looked down upon for Jews to deal with Samaritans in any way. It is as this moment when He says that if she knew who He really was, she would be the one asking for living water. She questions Him on how “living” water from Him is better than the water was for Jacob.Jesus answers to her saying: 

“Whomever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whomever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”

I am going to stop here. The first thing that caught my attention about this is that Jesus befriended and pursued the unlovely and unlikely heart of a Samaritan woman. He didn’t see her for who she was at that point, but for whom He knew she was created to be. He saw her through eyes of grace, mercy, and love. This amazes me!! It’s at this point that I see myself in that Samaritan woman. Going about life like normal with a knowledge of “the Father Jacob.....and his sons” and teachings that I was raised by, but yet not seeing the Savior right in front of me; The Christ who is asking for a little water and in return wanting to give me everlasting life.

What is this living water and everlasting life that Jesus shares with her?! I believe it to be the overwhelming love He has for her, as well as people in general. I think that God being love, it is the living water that He gives. Love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8). From there it is a grace, a peace, a mercy, a joy, a satisfaction, a kindness, and a source that never fails. Those who ask for this everlasting and life-giving “water” are then given such a contentment and satisfaction that the joy arises and the “water” flows throughout a person’s life; peace in every area; love to those they come in contact with. It is these things that then attract others to them; to Christ in them.

Why do I allow myself to just have the head knowledge without seeing what is right in front of me?! I haven’t accepted Christ’s love for me in so long, because I know that I haven’t always made Him proud. He wants me to be honest with Him, come to Him, and then accept what He has to give to me. He has asked for so little from me and He not only wants to give the gift of heaven, but of a living well from inside of me.

Love. Assurance. Peace. Hope. Faith. Mercy. Joy. Grace. Kindness. Freedom. Salvation.

With all of this...... this is my prayer. 

Lord help me to see with your eyes, feel with your heart, and love with your hands. Please forgive me for relying on my head knowledge and not seeing You in all the places you have shown me. I want the living water that only you can give, as I know that it keeps me from wanting any longer. I want to be quenched by You and You alone. Thank you for seeing me, not as the world may, but as who You know You created me to be. This is the true everlasting life that I ever hope for. Knowing that in You I am whole. In You I find acceptance and grace. Please continue to do the work you have begun in my life. I know I will probably fail from time to time, but I refuse to be conformed to that failure.  I take your ‘living water’ and ask for your plan. Thank you for loving me at times I am unlovely.

Your humbled daughter, Sarah 

Cultivation

It’s been forever since I have written on this blog!!! I feel like life has been going by so fast, that I haven’t been able to catch up on certain things, such as writing. Soooooo…….the past three months have been filled with lots of great things! First off, I love my new job at the Tybee Island YMCA!! I am the Membership & Sports Director and I have a wide range of roles and responsibilities that keep things interesting, diverse, and enjoyable. I couldn’t ask for better co-workers, flexibility, and respect. I have met so many other wonderful people on the island and at the Y that it is truly beginning to feel more and more like MY home.

I’ve made some great friends, and hope to continue cultivating  these relationships and new friendships.  This has been a lifesaver, as several of my best friends and I are not necessarily “present” in each others’ lives right now. Those ladies, I do miss, I must say. And I know that there are some friends who choose to accept you, some that pick up after time apart as if nothing changed, there may be one who is not able to be emotionally present and some that may have just been sweet blessings during particular times of life. Who knows?  I know I am grateful to have the life I have and the loved ones, new and old, that I do have in it!!!!

Go make plans with a friend, shoot them a text, or just give them a big squeeze next time you see them!!

With that being said, I am going to leave you with this beautiful quotes

 ~ Sarah