My Divorce Story

It’s always difficult to think about where to begin when sharing ones story and past. It is difficult to rethink through the pain and the emotions that you try to put away after dealing with past hurts. Through the short period of my life I have experienced many a good thing, but also many a heartache. I, by no means think that I had a hard life, but from my late teens until now, I have been in emotional places I would never wish on anyone else to have to experience. I am the eldest of three children to a pastor and piano player, and my childhood was full of life, love, and the word of God. I am thankful for my parents and the foundation they helped to lay in my life that has allowed me to make it through so many moments in peace. 

Now, to dig into the past pain that brought me to writing (in public) in the first place.

 I was married at the young age of 19,  to my 20 year-old Prince Charming. Yes, I know many people are thinking right now “Oh my goodness, they were so young!” But there are also those of you who have a similar young love story that you can relate to. We had dated for three years before we were married and had saved sex for our wedding night. We loved each other like crazy and were excited about our future life together. We bought a house and started a business all within that first year of marriage. After that year, my husband endured a terrible car accident that taught us many life lessons and brought us closer than ever. As much as I would love to say that we continued to draw closer and closer to one another, that was not the case. It seemed that as the time passed there were just more and more things in life that kept us from each other. I was finishing my undergrad degree and he was swamped with the construction company, then I started my masters and our business was expanding  There was less and less real communication between each other about our feelings, our hearts for the Lord, and each other. 

Before we realized it....we had no idea who we were or who the other person was that we shared the bed with. There would be times when we would make the decision to change things and spend more time together, but between work, and the business, and school, we just got more and more “comfortable” living our own separate lives. Next thing I knew I was a wife but no longer a partner. I was no longer the one my husband longed to see at the end of a hard day at work. I was being told lies. Lies about where he was, about what he was doing, and how he felt. Lies made me resentful. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was so sick of being lied to I became untrusting, disrespectful, and broken. I did not always handle my anger or doubt correctly, and with each harsh word, I made my husband draw further and further away. I thought that if he loved me he would come home before 10 every night. That if he loved me, he would be open and honest with me, trusting me to love him through his addictions. If he loved me, he would be faithful. I believe and will always believe that he loved me as much as he possibly could at the time. Yes, I was a part of the problem, but could not move past the final blows of infidelity at different times. The matter of fact was we were miserable and I was falling apart. I use the phrase of falling apart because my body was literally falling apart under the pressure and stress of my marriage and our business.

We went through intensive couples therapy and individual sessions, marriage seminars, and even months of separation. There were times of tears and apologies and predictions of change, but nothing did ever change. The fall of 2011, I had decided that I was finished. As I contacted an attorney, and began the process, the Lord quietly reminded me that I was going to have to forever live with my decision to leave, if that is what I chose to do. The Lord almost seemed to give me direction in reminding me that I could not leave with a clear conscious unless I had done all I had known to do as a wife, and a woman of God. I had already had more than enough to give me a release, but my God knows me better than I know myself, and knew in advance that I needed that absolute peace in the situation to be able to move on with my life. It was then that I began to spend more time with the Lord in prayer, and try to spend more quality time with my husband. I tried to open up to him and let him know how much I loved him and that I was for him. I feel that there was somewhat of a change, although it may have only been in my heart towards him.

Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do to make him want to be honest or ask for help. The last strike to the heart was upon me the summer of 2012 and I knew that I was washed clean from guilt and condemnation of pursuing a divorce. It was a quick process as there was no denying where we were and that there seemed to be no change of heart in him. I moved out a few weeks later with the help of closest friend and family. The whole moving experience was overwhelming, but yet, I didn’t shed a tear those days. When I look at some of the things that really hurt me, I think the most was the possibilities that we will never experience and the fact that the man who vowed to protect my heart had repeatedly hurt it over the course of two to three years. 

Although I have struggled with depression and sickness in the past, it was as if the finalization of my divorce brought about a peace. I know it may be odd to say, and do not want anyone thinking I am promoting divorce, but a burden was lifted as soon as the decision was made, and a peace of the Lord filled my soul. Do I feel that I got married too young? Maybe, but we felt ready at the time. Do I think we were meant to be together? Absolutely, but the decisions we made changed the design God had for our life together as husband and wife. Will we get back together in the future? I would have to say I doubt it, but also know that God’s plan is the one that I will follow.

I finished my Masters in Education for School Counseling, and I'm waiting on the Lord to place me where he wants me to be in the community and church. I have went through the “recovering and healing process” of my divorce and have realized that sometimes it is just ok to be in that limbo of learning life lessons and creating new plans. Through personal recovery and Divorce Care class at a local church, I was able to work through the emotions and side-effects of my emotional and physical loss of my marriage. I do still find myself having moments of grieving over the loss of my "original plan", but will continue on. It may be hard for many, who like me, have the A-type personality and need a plan, but it is possible with God. A verse that we hear so often is perfect for how I feel about this. ‘With God all things are possible.” This is so true. As long as I can rely on the Lord for my strength, a comforting love, and the calling of my future, it is possible to go through every day, every emotional roller coaster ride, feeling insecure, and making decisions that will affect my career. 

Even if for such a time as this, I will keep going, knowing that the Lord is here with me, every step of the way.