I ushered a beautiful man out of my life this week. Difficult, sad, necessary,
eye opening, and possibly regretful, are the words that come to mind at this
moment. I use the word usher, because I find no other way to describe it.
For almost three months I have been captivated by a man who
is unlike many I’ve met in the past. He’s tall, dark and handsome to a “T”;
intelligent, dedicated to his country, loving, and reasonable far above his age; So, of course you can see why the force
was so strong. :-) In
this time with him I truly learned more about myself- my fears and my
strong suites. It is in the way he saw me just as I was; even as a better
version of me; but also recognized the weaknesses and the areas that made
me vulnerable. It was both the good and the bad that caused several long
discussions and lessons in learning to communicate. He, choosing to truly open up his heart to me, and I, choosing to try to silence the insecurities in order to accept all that the
relationship offered.
The purpose behind my writing is to help me process my
sadness in the ushering of this man out of my life.
Last week, the cutie returned
from an extended visit home. While away, we made the conscious
effort to talk every night, and with that our emotions grew deeper and deeper
for one another. I received an “I miss you babe” bouquet, we exchanged sweet
texts, and pictures flowed during his time away. After picking him up from the airport,
I was showered with kisses and meaningful gifts! Seeing each other was great,
and as the perfect night was ending a conversation was brought up about taking the next
step of boyfriend/girlfriend. My reaction was not what I was expecting. I wanted a commitment, I have longed for a guy to offer himself and his love
to me and me only! Why was I feeling nervous?
This past weekend, we had a laid back time with many random
conversations. Monday morning I woke up sick. Anxiety hit me. This also happened not long after beginning to talk. I knew in my heart what was going on. I was falling in love with a
man, whom I wasn’t sure had his life on a similar foundation
as I did. There had been many discussions of preferences, and pasts, and even
talks of future and about faith. See, we weren’t sure where we fell with each
other on the faith thing, but because of the other overwhelming feelings and
care we had for each other, we had always just kind of accepted that we were
open to whatever.
Well, Monday, I knew that I was falling in love with a man
that I wasn’t sure I could ever be with. Conversations we had about a family, careers, kids,
and trying times had all hit me and made me realize that our power source was not the same. Although we were
cute, had great times, grew, were open to our differences, had
sincere moments of intimacy, and communicated artfully- there was a gut feeling
that something was off. I knew I had to make a very tough
decision. I was giving my heart to a man
who was giving me his in return, only to realize that we were never meant to
hold each other’s in the first place. That night I shared my reservations and concerns, and so we agreed to see
each other the next day after time to think.
As I sat at home devastated, I missed a call from my mom. I
returned the call shortly after, and we got through a couple minutes of small
talk until all of the sudden she asks me if anything was going on. On her way
home from work, she said I was on her mind and she felt burdened for me; she
said she began to cry and pray for me. Of course, I lost it. I was a wreck. I
told her about the decision I knew I had to make, and how badly I didn’t really
want to. During the conversation, the presence of the Lord fell, and as she
said a prayer over me, I knew that things were going to be ok. I was going to
be blessed for making a tough decision. I was so thankful for the opportunity
to just cry to someone and be encouraged in the Lord. Well, as soon as that
conversation ended, I received another call from a friend who wanted to make
sure I wasn’t going to regret my decision. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions!!!!
So here comes Tuesday. My wonderful boss ended up making a “Feel Better Bag” for me
on lunch break when she realized what I was feeling. This thoughtful gift was full of uplifting, empowering, and
funny quotes to remind me that it will all be ok. Tuesday night after work I
met up with the beautiful man and we talked and we cried. Hearing his heart
melted mine. It was like seeing each other and feeling the pain, made us want
to make the pain end and so we talked about working on trying to see where
faith and fears could go. The next morning, I woke up with the same anxious gut feeling. I messaged him, and he replied that he hadn’t been able to stop
thinking about the things that had happened and the things that I originally
brought up, and so we talked. He had also woke up that morning with the similar
feeling I had. He said that the reservations I had would probably always be
there; that Tuesday, we were just hurting, and that I was pushing to make it
work because we just wanted the pain to stop. I knew he was right. The good was
all I could think about, and again had tried to overlook my spiritual cautions
that had been occurring the entire time. The rest of this week has been very
difficult. I fell hard and fast, and so the thoughts of not texting and
talking, and not going on planned weekend trips, and not kissing and cuddling,
or just not having someone who made me feel special, has made me so sad.
In this sadness, I am having to choose to think on other
things. What am I trying to say? How in the world did I think this was all a
good idea? What am I thinking, letting a good man go? This is all a reminder to stay true to what I know I need
and want in a future life partner. The reasons for ending a relationship that
held potential, and because of the convictions of my heart, has made the
process all the more serious. A spouse is one of the most important and
integral choices in life. This person is who you make decisions with, get
through the worst part of life together with, raise children with, and create a
legacy with. As a Christian, I know the expectations that I must hold for my
future spiritual leader and love. I want divine intervention my future relationship. I want to feel whole and open and loved without reserve. I
have to believe that exists. I have to believe that God would not have me
ending this unless He has a plan, and that He is trying to save me
from even greater heartache when realizations would finally hit me.
A
relationship cannot be built on two different foundations and be expected to
stand. I should have paid more attention to my gut, surface of anxiety, and God through
this...He was just trying to save both of our hearts from the added pain that would
come with more time and investment. Christ has our interest and desires in
mind, and loves us both so very much. Walking away from a seemingly good thing
with a care and respect for each other that we have, is a first for me, and
possibly the reason I am having the sadness. But I am thankful for the fun had,
the personal insight gained, and the ability to know love is possible. Thankfully, I have great friends, co-workers, and family
that make each sad moment, seem a little less sad, and support my decision to
stay true to myself. I now hope to grow closer to Christ, in order to lose
myself in His will, and in that place, hopefully the love of my life will join
in. ;-)
Ushering a beautiful man out of my life this week has been one of the hardest things I have had to make myself do, but I know that in that ushering, two hearts are being protected from unnecessary pain. I will probably still cry a few more times, and have moments of questioning and missing him, but I want myself and this man to truly be happy for the rest of our lives, together or not.
SO…..stick with that gut feeling. Don't doubt yourself. Listen to your spirit and intuition. It really will save a lot of heartache and sadness. We have to do what is right for ourselves, whether or not it makes sense to anyone else.
Thanks for sticking with me on this long one. I appreciate the therapy session! Writing truly help me release things, and if you made it this long, you're an absolute trooper who I have to believe cares for me!!! haha
- Until next time, Sarah
Over the past several weeks, I have been truly repairing my heart and
redirecting my focus and direction in life. There are so many details that I
could go into, but I will say just a few things. 
