When I Can't Stand Being Around Myself

What do you do when you can hardly stand being around yourself? 

If it is someone else who is getting under your skin, it’s easy to remove yourself from the presence of that person, not interact with him or her, and choose not to be in the life of that person and visa versa. So the question is what to do when you can’t stand being in your own presence? I feel like this. I have felt like this for a little while. I am surprised by some of the things I do and do not do; some of the things I say and don’t say; and some of the influence I have surrounded myself with and those I have not I am not saying to take all of this and blow it up into an extreme on either way, but it is just a feeling I am having right now. Why am I not doing more with my life? Why am I not surrounding myself with all the great friends I have? Why do I choose to participate in things that I know aren’t the best that God would have for me? Why do things seem to be crazy and sad for me, and those close to me? Why do I seem to have a lack of vision and motivation?

Because of my background in the church and my own personal past with the Lord, I am aware that it is important to spend time in the Word, with God, and around a church body. This still has not seemed to keep me doing what I know to do. It’s like I have the head knowledge, but putting it into the everyday aspects of my life seems to be so difficult right now. I know that it’s when we are at our lowest times that we should reach out and get in the word the most, but it is also at those times that it is the most difficult.

I have hated myself, my situation, my decisions, and my lack of concern for all of these things. I am out of the character that I truly know myself to be- and I do not like it. As a serious confession, I have even had the thought of ending it all, cross my mind a couple weeks ago. I have no reason to feel the way that I do or to want to end the journey I have been put on. Because of this, I am going to choose to be thankful.

What better time than the season of Thanksgiving?!

Even though I feel disappointed in myself, I am going to choose to be thankful for the possibilities. I might feel that I am in an overwhelming place, but I will be thankful that I have experience to help turn it around. I may feel that I have let others down, but I will be thankful that these individuals are still sticking around and loving me regardless of my failures. I’m sad that there is so much hurt going on, in and around those that I love, but I will be thankful that God works all things for the good and that we are all in this life to help each other together. I might feel that I have a lack of direction and motivation, but I will be thankful for the knowledge and resources I possess to get myself back to a healthy place and find my true passions again.

What do you do when you can’t stand to be in your own presence? You begin to do things differently; you begin to change the way you think about the situation; you begin to seek after the Father who loves you more that you can fathom; you force yourself to become more and more of who you really want to be, regardless of temporary struggles. My heart, mind, and soul have been heavy with personal disappointment, but I am thankful. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to change things. 

I have the opportunity to be the Sarah that I know I am supposed to be. 

I love living, and I want to love living  life, everyday.