Christmas Eve Thoughts

Today is the eve of the day that we celebrate the birth of our Savior. It is also the day after my birthday. I love this time of year for so many reasons.

~The warmth of scarves and boots~

~Christmas parties and caroling~

~Steamy drinks; the feeling of coziness~

~New and old family traditions; possibilities of snow~

~Special times of birthday celebrations~

~Lights on the tree being the only ones on in the house~

~Picking out heart-felt gifts for loved ones and church plays and pageants~

~Good food  and long talks with friends~

I am now, the ripe age of 27. It feels decently the same, but saying it makes me feel significantly older. J The past year has been one that has given me many lessons, friends, memories, and goals. I am thankful to have made it to another birthday with all of my family and friends in my life. These people provide me with so much love, support, and encouragement.

 

Although this Christmas is different in many ways and for many reasons, it has been one of the happiest Christmases I have had in many years. A minimalist celebration of Christ, family, love, and friends has created a holiday season that reminds me of the good and of the purpose. I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas filled with all the things that really create true happiness.

The "American Dream"

Over one million people move to the U.S. every year in search of a better life. Children begin school at the age of four and from that point forward are given a mold of what they should be going after in life. In this region of the country especially, there is an overhanging expectation for the order and consistency of life. - Graduate high school, decide on college or technical school, get married, buy a house, land, and two cars, have a few kids, spoil the children with all the earthly possessions able to be afforded, work at your job day in and day out for 40 years until you can finally retire; After retirement, get stuck being the nanny for your grandchildren, or find yourself financially unable to live the life you had hoped for retirement. If able to travel, it’s definitely going to be different as a senior citizen, unless ones’ health has been maintained; after returning from trips, you come home to your big empty house and your shed full of things you never use or look at.

Although I am a patriot and am so thankful to be in a country where we have the right to be whoever we want to be and have so many opportunities available, if only we will go after them, I have to admit that I am not a fan of the 'typical' "American Dream”. I was born to a family who had the correct priorities, but most stick to what is comfortable to them. When I got married, we pursued the "American Dream”. Bought the house, cars, worked our butts off in a business, and got my degree. Although we thankfully never encountered much debt, we did lose sight of what life is really supposed to be.

There has always been something inside of me that gets so aggravated when I see ridiculous spending, spoiling, conforming, and settling in a life only because one thinks it is what they are expected to do. As I have been on a self-discovering journey for the past year, or so, I have realized that I am not sure that I can settle into the “American Dream” constructs that are set up around me. 

Why does it seem odd for couples to have children later in life? Why can the younger years not be filled with more travel, experiences, and freedom, instead of waiting until the end of life? Why not live day-to-day, or doing something you are passionate about? Why are couples thought to be doing well only if they have a nice home and car? What about being debt free and living a more simple life? How about raising children abroad in the hopes that they can experience more of life and realize where their heart lies? Why is it not ok to model other countries and cultures in their smaller workloads and large amounts of time with family and loved ones? Why should we be defined by our career, the neighborhood we live in or the model of our car? When did we lose sight of the things that truly matter? Why have we allowed fear of the unfamiliar to stop us from pursuing our wildest imagination?!

What are your thoughts? What are things you love to enjoy and things you hope to do someday. I encourage everyone to think and live for themselves and allow the “American Dream” to be just that- the dreams and desires of each individual American, without judgment!! Love you all and hope you enjoy your weekend!

When I Can't Stand Being Around Myself

What do you do when you can hardly stand being around yourself? 

If it is someone else who is getting under your skin, it’s easy to remove yourself from the presence of that person, not interact with him or her, and choose not to be in the life of that person and visa versa. So the question is what to do when you can’t stand being in your own presence? I feel like this. I have felt like this for a little while. I am surprised by some of the things I do and do not do; some of the things I say and don’t say; and some of the influence I have surrounded myself with and those I have not I am not saying to take all of this and blow it up into an extreme on either way, but it is just a feeling I am having right now. Why am I not doing more with my life? Why am I not surrounding myself with all the great friends I have? Why do I choose to participate in things that I know aren’t the best that God would have for me? Why do things seem to be crazy and sad for me, and those close to me? Why do I seem to have a lack of vision and motivation?

Because of my background in the church and my own personal past with the Lord, I am aware that it is important to spend time in the Word, with God, and around a church body. This still has not seemed to keep me doing what I know to do. It’s like I have the head knowledge, but putting it into the everyday aspects of my life seems to be so difficult right now. I know that it’s when we are at our lowest times that we should reach out and get in the word the most, but it is also at those times that it is the most difficult.

I have hated myself, my situation, my decisions, and my lack of concern for all of these things. I am out of the character that I truly know myself to be- and I do not like it. As a serious confession, I have even had the thought of ending it all, cross my mind a couple weeks ago. I have no reason to feel the way that I do or to want to end the journey I have been put on. Because of this, I am going to choose to be thankful.

What better time than the season of Thanksgiving?!

Even though I feel disappointed in myself, I am going to choose to be thankful for the possibilities. I might feel that I am in an overwhelming place, but I will be thankful that I have experience to help turn it around. I may feel that I have let others down, but I will be thankful that these individuals are still sticking around and loving me regardless of my failures. I’m sad that there is so much hurt going on, in and around those that I love, but I will be thankful that God works all things for the good and that we are all in this life to help each other together. I might feel that I have a lack of direction and motivation, but I will be thankful for the knowledge and resources I possess to get myself back to a healthy place and find my true passions again.

What do you do when you can’t stand to be in your own presence? You begin to do things differently; you begin to change the way you think about the situation; you begin to seek after the Father who loves you more that you can fathom; you force yourself to become more and more of who you really want to be, regardless of temporary struggles. My heart, mind, and soul have been heavy with personal disappointment, but I am thankful. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to change things. 

I have the opportunity to be the Sarah that I know I am supposed to be. 

I love living, and I want to love living  life, everyday.

Finding Myself to be Lost

I have found myself to be lost.  I have been walking along my journey and trying to make sure I continue to put one foot in front of the other- making sure I do not trip and fall. While I was looking down to make sure that my feet were moving, I totally forgot to make sure I knew that the direction in which I was going, was the one I set out on to begin with. I have recently looked up and found myself lost. I have found myself in a place that is unfamiliar; a place that is now uncomfortable; a place that is unknown; and a place that ultimately has me wishing I could have noticed sooner. I wish I could have caught myself before the regret and the emptiness, and the disappointment of knowing I am not on the path I once set out to walk.

I started a journey towards healing, happiness, growth, and God. I find myself no longer being on this journey. Was this intentional? No! I thought things were helping me heal, that I was at an amazing level of happiness, and that my personal growth was that which could be commended. As far as my journey towards God......I have the knowledge and the faith in my heart that I have always had, and thought that I was ok.

Sunday was a low for me. I found myself lost. I found myself disappointed and disgusted at myself. I wanted to take back many things and could only wish that I had done a few things differently. Why had I found myself so far away from “myself” and who I like to think I was meant to be?! I had given myself a “get-out-of-jail-free card” in order to not have to deal with my true emotions. I found myself hurting those friends and loved ones who are close to me; possibly without them really knowing what I feel and I have even hurt new friends that may not even have a clue. For these disappointments, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and can only hope you see me as who I truly am and who I can be. 

I do not like the feeling of being lost and without direction. This brings about fear and condemnation-Neither of which are of God. All I know to do is to cry out for mercy for the love of my Savior. I know He is there with His arms open, as they have been the entire time, but I never even looked up. Will I have an instant feeling of direction and forgiveness? No. This is something I will have to choose everyday. I can only hope that I remember the feeling of having gotten lost the next time I forget to look up.

Finally, I want to share a song that brought me to tears tonight and was just what I needed.

Here by Kari Jobe 

(listen by clicking on link)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXbEr6I7QV4&noredirect=1

Verse: 



Come and rest here 
/ Come and lay your burdens down 
/ Come and rest here 


There is refuge for you now 



Pre Chorus: 



You'll find His peace 
/ And know you're not alone anymore / 
He is near 


You'll find His healing 
/ You're heart isn’t shattered anymore 
/ He is here 



Chorus : 



Breathe in 


Breathe out 


You will 


You will find Him here 



Bridge: 

I will rest in You 



Outro: 



You will find Him /
You will find Him here /
You will find Him /
You will find Him here

 With all my love ~ Sarah

Dreams of Love

I had several dreams last night. As with the fascinating dream world, the places were unfamiliar, and the people were unfamiliar, but the feelings and emotions were astounding.

Although there were several parts, or scenes to my dreams, the one theme and over-riding dreaming was that of love. I was in deep, romantic, affectionate, understanding, playful, and honest love. This feeling was so amazing!! It wasn’t only the “being loved”, but it was that I was fully loving someone else with no precautions or hesitations. That, in and of itself, was a freeing feeling!!

So after waking and realizing it was a dream, I tried to go back to sleep to pick back up on the dream! Lol!! Sad, I know, but that feeling is something I have only experienced for short periods of time on earth from a significant other, and the first time in this intensity in a dream. I think it made me remember what the overall prize is; what my God wants for me, and to remember to never settle on short-lived, masked happiness, but to seek after truth- real happiness.

I hope that there are many of you who have this already! That person who is the partner God paired you with for life’s ups and downs; a love second only to that of Christ’s. For the rest of us, patiently working on ourselves until the right person and the right time, we can rest in the peace that an amazing, freeing love from a partner is available, but we must first learn to love like crazy, our God.

These examples of love are what we can all only hope to experience while on earth. 

Love and be loved,

Sarah