There are so many things that I feel I could write about, as
well as so many things on my mind. I am choosing to write what I am because,
the public sharing and scripting of my thoughts and feelings has been found to
provide a release and an intimate support, in a weird way J
I have been in GA for a little over six weeks and have had
so many amazing, fun, educational, full, scary, nerve-wracking, and exciting
moments. And although there are many things that I am going to share about all
of the awesome things going on, this post is going to be one that is more real
and raw.
The quest for inner peace is one that many of us know the answer to- Christ. What happens when you know this, and feel that you can’t quiet seem to catch a break from those in your life who seem to have the goal of trying to disrupt that inner peace?! The peace that I have in knowing that I am where I’m supposed to be, but yet there are things I want to see so badly some to a resolution or fruition, has been making my head spin a little and my heart somewhat ache.
With that being said.......
My ex-husband and I are still dealing with one last bit of
business together of selling our home. This keeps us in random contact every
once in a while. Since moving, I have heard from him for emotional outbursts,
past hurtful consequences, and drama that he is still keeping in his life. This
wears me down!!! This is one of the reasons that I was so ready to get out of
the area. I don’t want to run into him, or see him, or have to be the figure in
his life that I have always been – a second mother. The most recent
conversation was one that ended with me in a fluster!!! Even though this is the
case, I can’t help but wish the best for him. As I have explained to a friend,
the hopes that I had for us for so long, even after divorce, have just been
things that I refuse to get back into, and an attempt to guard my heart.
While in the quest for love while trying to guard my heart,
I also found my heart broken not long after moving to GA. This amazing man that
I care for so deeply, is in a battle of his own, that he must work through in
order for us to have any chance of a future. Because of this, I had to say
goodbye. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I still have a naïve hope that
it might could still be. At first, I felt nothing. I knew we were probably
going to talk, etc., but the past week or two has been really tough on my
heart. I miss him. I know he misses me. I had to ask him not to talk to me
because it just hurt too much. I’ve realized that I have now had my heart broke
for the second time. It’s no fun. Do I still have a hope for this amazing man
and I? Yes. But, I also need to stay realistic. I want to be open to new
experiences and the love that Christ has in store for me. I want to be the most
amazing person I can be in order to receive the most amazing person at the most
perfect of times.
I’m hurting but I’m healing; I’m missing my friends, but I’m
meeting some really good people; I long to be near my family, but I keep them
close through communication and thoughts and prayers; I’m ready for an all-out
kind of love, but I’m loving myself more and more.
Peace- such a simple concept. Love- something we all long
for. Peace in the absence of love or love in the absence of peace? Not so sure
it’s easy......... These are the things on my mind.....these are the things on
my heart........shout out a prayer for me if you think of me! Here’s to an
amazing summer of many amazing memories, experiences, and full of peace and
love!!!!
Until next time ~ Sarah
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