I have found myself to be lost. I have been walking along my journey and
trying to make sure I continue to put one foot in front of the other- making
sure I do not trip and fall. While I was looking down to make sure that my feet
were moving, I totally forgot to make sure I knew that the direction in which I
was going, was the one I set out on to begin with. I have recently looked up
and found myself lost. I have found myself in a place that is unfamiliar; a
place that is now uncomfortable; a place that is unknown; and a place that
ultimately has me wishing I could have noticed sooner. I wish I could have
caught myself before the regret and the emptiness, and the disappointment of
knowing I am not on the path I once set out to walk.
I started a journey towards healing, happiness, growth, and
God. I find myself no longer being on this journey. Was this intentional? No! I
thought things were helping me heal, that I was at an amazing level of
happiness, and that my personal growth was that which could be commended. As
far as my journey towards God......I have the knowledge and the faith in my
heart that I have always had, and thought that I was ok.
Sunday was a low for me. I found myself lost. I found myself
disappointed and disgusted at myself. I wanted to take back many things and
could only wish that I had done a few things differently. Why had I found
myself so far away from “myself” and who I like to think I was meant to be?! I
had given myself a “get-out-of-jail-free card” in order to not have to deal with
my true emotions. I found myself hurting those friends and loved ones who are
close to me; possibly without them really knowing what I feel and I have even hurt new friends that may not even have a clue. For these disappointments, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and can only hope you see me as who I truly am and who I can be.
I do not like the feeling of being lost and without
direction. This brings about fear and condemnation-Neither of which are of
God. All I know to do is to cry out for mercy for the love of my Savior. I know
He is there with His arms open, as they have been the entire time, but I never
even looked up. Will I have an instant feeling of direction and forgiveness?
No. This is something I will have to choose everyday. I can only hope that I
remember the feeling of having gotten lost the next time I forget to look up.
Finally, I want to share a song that brought me to tears
tonight and was just what I needed.
Here by Kari Jobe
(listen by clicking on link)
Verse:
Come and rest here
/ Come and lay your burdens down
/ Come
and rest here
There is refuge for you now
Pre Chorus:
You'll find His peace
/ And know you're not alone anymore /
He is near
You'll find His healing
/ You're heart isn’t shattered
anymore
/ He is here
Chorus :
Breathe in
Breathe out
You will
You will find Him here
Bridge:
I will rest in You
Outro:
You will find Him /
You will find Him here /
You will find
Him /
You will find Him here
